Hey!! What's going on? The last time we met, my friend, whom I often visit on Wednesdays, told an intriguing story of neglect: a young husband who's not taking care of his bride, as well as love would suggest. I felt disappointed and questioned within myself about what had happened to him that made his passion and care for his bride to lack the intensity it once had. And my conclusion was neglect. Let me explain.
In his book, What Husbands Wish Their Wives Knew About Men, Patrick Morley shared his perspective on Five Stages in a Marriage Relationship.
Courtship. In his words, "The courtship stage is a time of mutual fascination, curiosity, and attraction." The man would care deeply for the woman and the woman reciprocates equally. Conversations last for what feels like forever. They both take intense pleasure in each other and will always try to prove a point. The young man can do anything or spend any amount for the young damsel. At this point, his sensitivity to care and show affection comes naturally. If the young man is not contained, he can go to insane lengths. He's dope. But traditionally, he's on a mission. (Wait to see.)
Honeymoon. At this stage, the young man has won his bride. He's got his prize, though feelings and sensitivities are still on high for both of them. Communication takes place all day long. They call each other, during the day, when they are at work. They both actively invest in the relationship. But, for the young man, he's trying to establish himself and his new role of taking care of himself and his bride. Naturally (take note of that word), some hints of waning passion and sensitivity will begin to unfold. Wait a bit, we're not there yet.
Building. The pace of hustling to earn a living for the family is beginning to become real and serious. Now, there's the man, his bride, some little creatures called children and cankerworms called bills. Naturally (that word again, take note), communication diminishes; so does passion, sensitivity and care. The woman has to selfishly care for her children and her career. The young man starts to become an egghead. His attention spontaneously wends towards making money and demanding respect for all the chaos he goes through to make sure his family lives well. (I once heard that even sex becomes a responsibility. It needs to be scheduled because there might not be time for it or it might come unexpectedly, which might seem like a demand and hurt somebody - especially the woman. That's funny, given that when the man was single and he saw his "Target," his legs would literally shake.) In my opinion concerning my friend's story, this is the stage.
Empty Nest. In Morley's words, "Phewww! Are we glad to get beyond Stage 3 or what!" It's a good time for the couples to reconfigure and set things right again. The kids are either married or can take care of themselves now, and the young man has saved enough money and set up infrastructure for his family: a personal building, businesses, or retirement funds. Now, they can begin to rekindle their passions for each other. Communications come full circle but this time it's more intimate and meaningful. (It's less frivolous than when in courtship, "How was your day? What did you eat? Was the food delicious?" Oh, gosh!) Now...
Widow-(or Widower-) hood. It's the stage of sitting quietly beside an empty chair or lying alone in bed. No one to call out, call names, play with or eat with. For the wive, no one to enjoy or appreciate your meals. There's so much to say, do and share together, but it's too late. For either of them, go on now with life for whatever you wish to do.
Here's the moral of the story: Naturally, if neglected, essence will wane - and often, can die. This essence could be love, passion, vision, or anything and for anything. Tend your love, whatever that might be. And I must say that it's your responsibility to make sure the people around you do not slack in tending their own love. If they do, it's also your fault. Recommend books to people, podcasts to listen to, and videos to watch. If it'll help them, tell them.
Life comes with its happenings, and these happenings can distract your focus if you do not choose to tender the essence that qualifies to be important to you. Take care.
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Horight Peters.Great read